Waiting To Hear From The Today Show Sucks

Every time a new book comes out, I get a call from a TV show that’s interested in having me on as a guest.  This time , it’s from the Today show.  But before they can commit, they’ve asked to see a video piece from a show I was on in the past.  The tape was sent, and I’ve been waiting for a reply every since.  

Day after day I helplessly sit at home awaiting their call as if they’re a cute boy I gave my number to.  In fact, I’ve decided that many of the same rules that apply to dating, also apply to waiting from a call from the Today show as well.  For one thing, I can’t call them or else I’ll appear weak.  For another, I have to stay busy so I won’t pounce on the phone when it rings like a kitten on a naked ass during sex. 

But I guess there is one difference.  I know that the Today show isn’t calling because they don’t want to appear desperate.  So I have no choice but to wait it out and hope that if they do call, I”ll have enough time to drop 20 pounds before the big day arrives.  

Remembering Birthdays Sucks

Remembering birthdays was easy before I got married. I only had one sister, two parents, and a few good friends to remember. But then I messed up a good thing and walked down the aisle. For little did I know that written in between the vows of promising to love, honor and pick up my husband’s dirty underwear til death do us part, was the promise that I’d now be the one to have to remember all of the birthdays on HIS side of the family.

And what a family it is. He’s one of six kids who all grew up and took the philosophy “go forth and multiply” to extreme. I now have 14 nieces and nephews, and a dozen in-laws to recognize and I’m beginning to think that the impetus behind my husband’s marriage proposal was that he wanted to be rid of this heinous chore.

I’m not quite sure how it happened. How I became the one who had to take on this task. It seems that when we got married, we silently divided up the list of chores. I’d go to the market. He’d fix thing around the house. And I became the one in charge of birthdays. It’s made me a wreck. Nervous that I’ll forget someone and prove to my mother-in-law that I am indeed unworthy of her precious son.

Sure, I have considered divorce. But I truly love my husband, and besides, he does fix things around the house. I guess I’ll have to chalk it up to one of the downsides of marriage like having to share the remote control and agree on home decor.  All I know is that if I do ever remarry, husband number two has got to be an only child!

Upcoming Appearances

The following is my schedule for radio interviews and book signings:

Monday, November 1, 2006   Radio Interview

9:38 -10:00am PT WSDE-AM with Kathryn Zox (in the N.Y. area)

Saturday, November 4, 2006  Book Signing

Borders Books in the SouthCoastPlaza

1:00-2:00pm :3333 Bear St. Costa Mesa, CA 92626

 

Monday, November 7, 2006  Radio Interview

6:30-6:40am   WZEE-AM The Connie & Fish Radio Network

(Heard in the Wisconsin area)

 

11-11:30am    WNTN-AM David Roberts Show

(Heard in Mass.)

Tuesday, November 14 2006   Radio Interview

8:30-8:45 ET          WTKS-AM  Bill Edwards’Savannah’s Best Morning News

8:40-8:50am   KRSY-FM The Morning Show (In New Mexico)

Thursday, November 16  Radio Interview

12:15-12:35pm   WSDE -AM the Kathryn Zox show in N.Y.

Monday, Novemeber 27  Radio Show

7:40-7:46am  KCMN-AM Tron Talk in Colorado Springs

10:30-10:50am Lisa Birnbach Show-Greenstone Media  N.Y.

11:30-11:45am WBEB-FM Women’s File in PA

Tuesday, November 28 2006  Radio Interview4:10-4:25pm CT WKCT-AM  Drive Time w/Roy Brassfield

(heard in portions of KY and TN)

 

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

10:30-10:40  KWIX -AM  Moberly, MO

Friday, December 8, 2006  Radio Interview

1-1:30pm ET   WBZ-AM  Jordan Rich Show       (heard in several East Coast stations)

Adopting a Baby Sucks

I think adoption is a wonderful thing.  You get to expand your family without the risk of pooping on the delivery room table.  Plus, you can give a home to a needy child and be a part of one of the biggest celebrity trends since Ugg boots.  But I’m wondering if all that glitters is not gold as this is the second year in a row that I’ve seen the demise of a marriage just weeks after the adoption papers were signed. 

Last year, it happened to my friends, Mary Jo and Dean.  They appeared to be a happily married couple with a seven year old boy so gorgeous, he brought out my inner Mary Kay Letourneau.  And, after years of infertility problems, they had just adopted a beautiful baby girl. But then Dean, a struggling actor, got a part starring opposite Tori Spelling.  They fell in love, had some raunchy photos taken on location, and the rest is tabloid history.  Yes, Dean met his “soul mate”, Mary Jo met a good divorce lawyer, and just weeks after the adoption went through, this once happily married couple was no longer happily married, and they moved far, far away.

Here it is now, almost a year to the day, and my lovely neighbor just informed me that her husband of more than a decade has too fallen in love with someone else and decided to leave.  And true to form, it happened just weeks after they adopted a beautiful baby boy.  Coincidence?  I wonder. 

Maybe going though the ordeal of an adoption puts a strain on one’s marriage.  Or maybe it brings up problems that were once buried underneath the surface.  Or maybe all men are just scum, plain and simple.  The only thing I do know for sure is that I feel terrible for all the parties involved.  The couple for going through a divorce. The child for having to grow up without an intact family.  And me, for not being able to see that gorgeous seven year old boy grow into fruition.

My First Radio Interview!

Every time one of my books comes out, I have a flurry of radio interviews.  Since Dating Sucks is hitting the book stands any dang minute now, the flurry has officially begun! My first interview? With The Boomer Broads with an Attitude, Janety Prensky and Ann Marie at WBIX-AM in Boston (but can be heard in parts of MA, RI and NH as well).  If you live in those beautiful parts of the country, join me on October 29th at 3:15 eastern time! Oh, how I’d love to be back east right now watching the leaves changing color.  Living in
L.A., the only seasonal change we experience is getting a free pumpkin with our Botox injection.

Making Dinner Sucks

I love my family.  I have a wonderful husband and an incredible daughter.  But making them dinner every night, night after night, has worn me down.  No one likes the same things and I’m convinced I’d have an easier time finding Bin Laden than I would finding something my whole family can enjoy at dinnertime.      

My husband is from Missouri and was raised on the four basic food groups: meat, fried meat, gravy, and cheese.  I used to wonder why they call Missouri the “Show Me” state, but now I know it means, “show me the way to the high cholesterol medicine.”   My eight year old on the other hand, is a very picky eater.  She’ll only consume simple foods like bread (no butter), spaghetti (no sauce), and bland foods (no taste).  And nothing can touch one another on the plate or else all hell will break loose, so foods like casseroles, stir fries and omelets are a big fat no-no.  She doesn’t eat much at all actually I’m convinced she exists on spores that float freely in the atmosphere.  Me?  I prefer healthy foods like salads and fish (only to counteract the effects of the cookie dough and canned frosting I consumed earlier that day).   

So as you can see, making dinner every night is quite a struggle.  But I guess it’s worth it when we’re all sitting around the table, talking about our day.  In time, maybe my kid’s taste buds will mature, my husband will enjoy eating healthy foods, and they’ll finally catch that damned Bin Laden.  But I certainly wouldn’t hold my breath.

Welcome!

Welcome to my new blog!  I’m Joanne Kimes, the author of the Sucks Series, the first series of its kind to help shine a light on some of the darkest times of your life.

Originally, there was Pregnancy Sucks, the first book to finally reveal the true, and often unspoken horrors of pregnancy.  From the constipation to the third nipples, to the methane factory that’s suddenly stashed up your rear end, Pregnancy Sucks offered medically sound advice, and made you feel like you weren’t the only woman who hated the reproductive process. 

Pregnancy Sucks instantly became a best seller and led to the eight other books in the series.  This month comes the latest addition, Dieting Sucks, which is like having a paperback diet buddy.  It’ll provide you with loads of dieting motivation, tips, and laughs, to get you through even the toughest diet.  Whether used alone, or as a diet plan “chaser”, Dieting Sucks will get you to your goal weight faster than you can say “hydrogenated cottonseed oil”. 

My blog was designed to help familiarize you with my series of books, plus, give me an outlet to write about other sucky things that happen in my day that don’t necessarily fit into any of the books that I’m currently writing.  I hope you enjoy my blog and keep coming back for more! 

(a big thank you to Jon Deer, the best brother-in-law a technologically challenged girl could ask for, for putting this website together for me!)