I love my dog. Daisy is the best dog I’ve ever had. She’s obedient, loyal, and, unlike other Border Collies, is very calm. In fact, I’m convinced she’s part dog, part houseplant. But lately, Daisy does have one major flaw. She’s become incontinent. What started out as a dribble has turned into a torrential downpour ,and in the morning as I snuggle in bed, I feel a wet spot where no wet spot should be.
I saw the vet and he gave me some pills, but we’re way past the pills now. So, I just came back from Pet Co. with a box of doggie diapers complete with a hole where her tail needs to go. I also got her a nice bone to make up for the guilt I’ll feel tonight when I strap her rump into that plastic poochy Pamper. Man, getting older sucks, even for dogs, and when you’re dealing with incontinence, “urine” for no fun.
All I keep hearing about is these days is how crazy/stupid/selfish/Angelina-like this Octo-mom is, but I have a different take on the matter. I think this lady is a freakin’ genius! She knows that one of the few excuses to get out of jury duty is to have young kids at home, and with her steady stream of Welfare babies she keeps cranking out, she’ll have had a good ten grace year period where she doesn’t have to step foot in a courtroom at all! Genius I tell ya, pure genius!
How cool is this? An excerpt from my book, “Dating Sucks” has made its way into “The Routledge Dictionary of Modern American Slang and Unconventional English.” When defining the word “ace”, they say “do well in an examination” and then quote my book, “You think you aced the exam, but you get back scores acceptable only at a college that advertises itself in the back of MAD magazine.”
I just read the big news and I’m over the moon! My girls are coming back! The one’s I’ve watched date their way through the Big Apple dealing with everything from rabbit sex to funky spunk. Now all I have to do is eat my veggies, look both ways before I cross the street, and do everything I can to assure that I’ll be alive and healthy in the summer of 2010 when the movie comes out! Am I excited? Absofuckin’lutely!
