Jon and Kate Plus Eight is Great

If you’re a parent that’s knee deep in projectile vomit, blood boiling tantrums and spousal resentment, tune into TLC’s hit show, “Jon and Kate Plus Eight.” It’s my newest, most favoritest program because it shows me my life doesn’t suck nearly as much as I thought it does. If this family can deal with hourly traumas and constant needs of both young children and new puppies (for god’s sake, is this family mad???), then I can deal with periodic dawdling and homework battles. And, although I have a spouse that  doesn’t unload the dishwasher the way I do (how many places can he hide the damn measuring cup?), I’m thankful he doesn’t belittle me in front of the whole freakin’ nation.  

So if you are having trouble with your family struggles, tune in and smile. It’s like televised Prozac that will lift you out of your sink-hole of depression. It’s also a very effective form of birth control.

“Teenagers Suck” is Released!

Occasionally I check in on Amazon to see how my books are ranking up (Pregnancy Sucks is still in the lead in case you’re keeping track) and I noticed that Teenagers Suck is for sale! It was supposed to be released on April 18th, but I guess it was ready a bit early! 

If you’re the parent of a teenager and need some advice and a good laugh, check it out! You can read the intro and the Table of Contents on me (click Teenagers Suck above), but if you want to read more, you’ll have to fork over the dough

Finishing a Good Book Sucks!

I’ve never been much of a reader. In school I didn’t read anything that wasn’t assigned to me. I was jealous of people who couldn’t put a book down or read it all at one time. The only thing I’ve ever read in one sitting is a People magazine article on Scott Baio. But then, in 1997, my literary life changed when John Grisham’s book, “The Firm” was released. I had it with me on an airplane and I did what I thought I could never do: read it all in one sitting! True, there weren’t a heck of lot of options for me to do otherwise, but even so, I finally became one of those people I envied.

Since then, I enjoy reading, and every once in a rare while, I come across a book that I enjoy so much, I savor every word. I dread turning the page because I know that doing so will bring me that much closer to the final page which will inevitable fill me with sorrow and despair. The  same sorrow and despair I feel when I watch the last scene of the season finale of Lost.

The book I just savored is Augusten Burroughs’, Magical Thinking.  I just loved, loved, loved it. The guy cracks me up and writes sentences that are so simple yet profound, I have to read them twice. It’s a writing style I wish had, but unfortunately few of us humans are granted this level of talent. Even so, I relate to Augusten. Sure, he’s a balding, unstable, gay man who can step on a baby’s fingers without remorse, but he and I still have things in common. We both love New York, we both enjoy surgery shows where hideous tumors are removed, and both have recurrent dreams where we work for Martha Stewart. True, I’ve never written anything that’s made it to the top of the NY Times Bestseller list, but I still have hope.

It’s All A Big Scam

I’ve learned this weekend that there’s no actual “sleep” involved with an eleven year old “sleep”over birthday party. Not for me, and not for the kids. It’s the day after and I’m exhausted! But, when a girl turns the big one-one, a sleepover is the only way she wants to bring in the new year. 

I’m not the only one who’s exhausted.  So is my kid. But unlike me, she’ll never admit to it. I don’t know what is it about being a child that makes them refuse to admit that they’re ever tired? It’s like admitting to having killed a man or suffer from genital warts. To make matters worse, it’s never a good idea to mix sleep deprivation with a pre-teen who has more hormones than a gallon of convenience store milk.  

But it’s almost beddie bye time for me. Time to lie my head on my pillow, fall instantly asleep and wake up at four o’clock in the morning to toss and until the alarm goes off. Why do I do this? Because I’m perimenopausal and suffer from a LACK of hormones. If only there was a way to “catch” my daughter’s hormones like I did her common cold or head lice. Perhaps that could be the next thing medical science can focus on once it’s done figuring out the whole stem cell thing.