I tried to get out of it, really I did. When I got that dreaded jury request slip in the mail, I did what I did for the past eight years: use my daughter as an excuse to get out of it. Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s important to serve, but not when you have to pick up your child at 2 o’clock everyday from school. But now it seems the rules have changed and the excuse of having a young child to care for no longer flies. What’s the point of having a kid and dealing with all its tantrums and whining if it can’t get you out of jury duty?
When I arrived at the courthouse, I was faced with my first frustration: getting inside the place. There was a line to get through security that rivaled any Star Wars opening. Once inside, I was sent to the holding tank with three hundred other jurors who nervously awaited their names to be called. To the naive, they looked like a room full of patients waiting to be called for a colonoscopy.
When I finally heard my name, I was taken to a courtroom where a three month murder trial would begin. When asked who had time to commit to the long case, only thirty of the two hundred jurors raised their hands. The other 170 of us formed a line to speak to the judge. Four hours, two bathroom breaks, and one new varicose vein later, I stood before the judge to plead my case. I stammered and stuttered and rambled on, about what I do not recall. You see, I have an enormous fear of the authority figures and was convinced that the judge would sentence me to prison for the mood ring I stole back in Jr. High. Luckily, not only wasn’t I sentenced , I was excused from the case! I hadn’t felt this relieved since Donald Trump fired Omarosa from The Apprentice!
Although I can recount my tale in only a few paragraphs, my day as a juror lasted eight and a half horrible hours. On my way home, I made a decision. I would forgo my dream of one day living in a quaint New England town, and instead move to land ruled by a dictator. Sure it would be repressive and I could be pillaged at anytime, but at least I would never again have to serve jury duty. I think the move would be well worth it.