“Menopause Sucks”

Menopause Sucks

Chapter 1: No Pain, No Perimenopause

Hormones are Horrific

Not Tonight, Dear, I Really Do Have a Headache

Period and Questions

Tender, Traveling Titties

 

Chapter 2: Over 40 and Looking Fabulous!

Oh, My Achin’ Stomach

I Can’t See Clearly Now

Vexing Vaginal Dryness

Cramp Your Style

My Achy’ Breaky Heart

Coping With Constipation

 

Chapter 3: The Only Thing Constant is “The Change”

Home Sweat Home

Sleepless in the Saddle

Mood Swings

Memory Malfunctions

Incredible Incontinence

A Weighty Issue

If Beauty is Only Skin Deep, I’m in Deep Doo-Doo

The Triple Threat of Perimenopause

Why is Hair There?

Hysterectomies and Early Menopause

For the Lucky Few Who Walk Among Us

 

Chapter 3: From G-String to Gee I Wish You Would Go Away

The Mid-Life Birds and Bees

What to do When Your Libido Goes Limp

Talking Sex to Talking Dirty

You Ain’t Nothin’ But a Horn Dog!

Toys, Tapes, and Other Temptations

Sex and the Single Woman

The Sex-Factor

Continuing Sex Education

 

Chapter 4: Emotional Volleyball

Mood Swings Through the Ages

Serotonin and a Smile

Pick Your NO’s

Jumping Off Your Mood Swing

Massage Your Mind

A Write Way to Feel Better

Rescuing Relationships

How to Keep Children and Friends from Running Far, Far Away

How to Channel Wild Energy into Positive Results

How to Milk Your Emotions to Get What You Want

 

Chapter 5: Mental Issues are Important—If You Can Remember Them

A Fantastic Voyage

Why is Your Brain Out to Lunch?

Boot Camp for Your Brain

Foods to Help You Focus

How to Find Your Mind and Make it Work Again

Imagination and Hallucinations

How New Shoes Can Prevent Brain Atrophy

Your Brain on Toxins

Stupid Questions that Hurt Your Brain

How to Tell if You’re Forgetful or Headed for the Looney Bin

Serious Mental Issues are No Laughing Matter

 

Chapter 6: Healthy Living for Your Changing Body 

Hormone Replacement Therapy—Facts and Fiction

Risks and Rewards of HRT

Customized Bioidentical HRT

Homeopathic Herbs and Other Natural Stuff

Viable Vitamins

Mammograms and Other Necessary Tortures

A Healthy Weight is Good for Your Body

Strengthen Your Bones

Have a Healthy Heart

Notes on Nutrition

Menopause is Not a Disease

 

Chapter 7: From Puberty to Powerful

Personal Reflections—Assess and Appreciate

How to Enjoy Your Transition to Peace and Wisdom

Accept the Fabulous Woman that You Are

Balancing Adult Children and Aging Parents

How to Set Future Goals

Make the Second Half More User-Friendly

From Empty Nest to a Nest Egg

Dress for Your Age

 

Chapter 8: Next Stop, Post Menopause!

Burn the Birth Control Pills and Toss the Tampons

A Burning Yearn to Learn

Volunteer and Save the World

Love is Still Lovely in the Afternoon of Life

Traveling the Road Alone

Your Emergency Survival Bag

Celebrate the New You!

 

Introduction

I remember my first episode of perimenopause as clearly as the first time I saw the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show. I was sweating, crying, clawing at my hair, and ripping off my clothes. Unfortunately, I was 46 years old and there was no Fab Four in sight. In fact, this horrific event happened during an important business meeting.

Wearing my sassy yet sophisticated power suit with the appropriate accessories and ladder-climbing shoes, I was speaking to a group of Very Important Personnel. Suddenly some unknown force of evil invaded my body and mind, rendering me a breathless mass of confusion. I swear that it was similar to having a mammogram, a root canal, and a colonoscopy in a sauna while watching reruns of the shower scene from the movie Psycho. Only worse.

A wave of intense heat rolled over my belly to my head. Styrofoam lined my mouth, I forgot how to speak English, and my tongue rolled out just like the camel at the zoo. Then my brain slipped into neutral. Who were these people staring at me? Why was I standing in front of them sweating like a heavyweight boxer in the ninth round?

I feared death was imminent as my chaotic mind ratcheted from neutral into panic mode. Who would care for my children? Had I paid the electric bill? Crap, if this is the end, why didn’t I have that donut after all?

The sudden urge to urinate and pass gas added to the discomfort. I removed my jacket, a serious no-no in a corporate world that frowned on such informality. I grabbed the water pitcher and rubbed it on my forehead. Definitely another no-no. I took a swig from the pitcher as my last defiant act before I could explode into a ferocious fireball and take all those fools down with me. Burn and destroy the evil business people!

Suddenly, after an excruciating 40 seconds, the internal torture ended. I stood there like a ravaged survivor who was had just surfed a live volcano flow. Only no one in the room knew or appreciated the fact that I was alive, yes alive to face another day! I quietly sponged the sweat from my brow and blotted my notes.

After stammering through the presentation, I gathered the leftover donuts and retreated to the women’s lounge to sob uncontrollably between bites of maple bars and cinnamon rolls. Was I going crazy? Were these strange feelings just signs of early dementia? Wow, these donuts are heavenly!

Later that night, after I remembered where I lived, I began to research possible causes for the symptoms of my new malady.

Sudden sweating.

Memory loss.

Irritability.

Food cravings.

Yup, it was perimenopause. I assumed that peri was the Latin word for “dangerous” and menopause was the word for “crazy lady.” I learned that these symptoms were only part of the total menu of midlife maladies that could occur as I transitioned into the real mother of all body betrayals. Menopause. Wasn’t I too young, too busy, and just too perky to deal with the “M” word? I decided right then and there that, yes, Menopause Sucks!

I found my reading glasses and began to write down the basic facts. I searched the Internet and studied my vast library of books on women’s health. There wasn’t enough information. After a sleepless night (yet another symptom of perimenopause), I visited the local bookstore to read about this mysterious condition. Unfortunately, most of the facts were very clinical and resigned. So, I asked my mother, and she said to just take it quietly, dear, and why don’t you call more often? I asked my women friends, and they all said they were way too young to “go through the change” and “why was it so damn hot in here?”

I wanted more. I wanted to hear about women who refused to go passively down that lonesome highway. I wanted humor, and defiance, and road-rage emotion. So I jotted down a few thousand words to provide a more balanced look at menopause. After a few more sleepless months, I had about 70,000 words of wisdom to help women deal with this physical and emotional phenomenon. This book is the result of my research, and I hope you read it and reap the nuggets of my newfound knowledge.

6 responses to ““Menopause Sucks”

  1. God you remind me of me. Are we sure we’re not the same person and I just forgot? You crack me up – but then – I crack me up too.

    You have captured the essence of the problem and the essence of the lack of a suitable solution in a painfully accurate yet entertaining way! I want copies of your book to send to all of my friends – and many who will never be my friend!

  2. Wow.. I love the Menopause Sucks! book .. it is TOTALLY PERFECT.. you cover it just right.. cause it really does suck!! I think we need to work on a new one..
    “The Economy Sucks!” the only thing good about it is .. that it has led me to my writing.. thanks for you way of encouragement .. and keeping me going.. by just plain understanding.. keep up the great work.. Artfulmama

  3. I decided to start a blog site of my own.. The Menopause Diaires… they say that journaling helps alot of things… and I’m hoping that if I start writing these things down.. it will help me.. thanks for being there.. and all the hysterical funny ways.. that you have helped me.. looking to read more of your stuff soon.. and as soon as I get my own up .. I will send you the web address.. have a great one!! Artfulmama

  4. Am so glad I found you! I spent the day reading “Divorce Sucks” at Barnes and Noble, then ran home and input your web address. Mary Jo’s book is one of the best I’ve read on divorce and I’ve read a lot; I’m a divorce financial consultant in Montana. Now, I’m going to read Menopause Sucks, because, quite frankly, it does.

  5. There are a few things that suck in life, including sometimes just living your life. Menopause unfortunately is one of those things that has to happen and you just have get on with life, despite the fact it really does SUCK. Thanks for a great book, it has made the whole menopause experience quiet a bit less SUCKY.

  6. Thank you God, holy cow and pass the chips! I am reading “Menopause Sucks” and I can’t believe how relieved I am to know that I am not crazy and not alone. Thank you for doing the research and letting the rest of us in on it. Can’t wait to read the rest of your triumphs!

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