The Poop on Potty Training
You are about to enter another dimension. A dimension of both sight and sound, of unlimited amounts of Pull-Ups, potty books, and power struggles. A dimension where time and space have no meaning, and reason does not exist. You’ve made it through the birthing, the nursing, the endless sleepless nights, the teething, the weaning, and all the in-betweening. You’ve survived food fights in five-star restaurants, crayon drawing on newly painted walls, and all-out refusal to wear anything but a faded princess outfit or a too-tight Superman costume. And while you thought these dimensions were difficult to bear, the truth is that they pale in comparison to what lies ahead. So hang on tight, sister, for the next stop is—the Potty Zone!
Just when you thought you had this whole parenting thing handled, you realize that a whole new exhausting adventure awaits you. Around every corner there are new videos to buy, new stains to pretreat, and new cleansers to buy that will remove excrement from your beautiful new Pottery Barn rug. Your college-educated, once-articulate vocabulary will now consist of phrases like “Do you wanna make tinkle?” and “Is it poopie time?”
As frustrating as the potty-training phase may be, I promise that there will be an end. There will be a light at the end of this stinky, messy, smelly tunnel, and you will get through it. One day your shopping cart will be free of bulk-size containers of Huggies, half-ton boxes of diaper wipes, and gallon jugs of Desitin. No more pee-stained pants, poo-stained car seats, or Diaper Genie cartridges to wrangle. And no more physical therapy from having to lug around that oversized, back-straining diaper bag that weighs more than your big-boned Aunt Martha does after eating Thanksgiving dinner.
Yes, I know it’s dark now. Dare I say, dark as poo. But fear not, my friend. The Potty Zone is a mere pit stop in parenting. And after your toddler learns to excuse himself, go to the bathroom, and wipe himself so clean that his rear end sparkles without any assistance from you, it may just bring a tear to your eye. Believe it or not, after all the potty training is behind you, you might actually miss the days of the midnight diaper changes, pee fountains, and explosive poops. Ha! Just kidding! The truth is that the day that your child is successfully potty trained will be as memorable as your wedding day, the birth of your babies, and the final episode of Sex and the City when you find out that Mr. Big’s real name is John. So pull up a potty chair, and let’s get down to business.
NOTE: This book contains an endless amount of shameless puns that I couldn’t stop myself from writing, although I did try to keep them down to a wee-wee minimum…shoot! I can’t stop myself!